Imposter

I've always felt like I barely just made the cut.  In all facets of my life, it feels like I don't quite belong and am just waiting to be found out. Discovered to be a fraud.

In friendships, I've always been doubtful that people actually want to be around me.  This has become especially difficult to manage since I've quit drinking because I can't dull the feelings. Oh, how I miss dulling my feelings with booze and drugs. Once my friends figure out that I'm not actually all that enjoyable to be around they'll drop me like a hot potato (mmm potatoes… I need a poutine), so I try to avoid any and all social situations. When I do go out, I obsess about the interactions that I had. It's exhausting.

Career-wise, while I've always felt I've done a pretty good job at most places I've worked (I think) I didn't feel like I ever really deserved these jobs. I haven't been fired (was laid off at my short-lived electrical stint, I choose to think that doesn't count. But it does. It does…), but I haven't found anything that can hold my interest for a long period of time. I recently applied to a local Digital Media and IT program and was accepted but waitlisted due to the program being full. I'm not sure if that was going to be the best fit for me but I'm open to trying something new. Part of my imposter status is to just keep masquerading at new locations.

I've wondered that I might just be filling up my time with children and dogs to avoid really dealing with myself, and what makes me happiest/makes me tick. Am I an imposter mother, wearing this mask, going on play dates, sharing mom memes with mom friends instead of figuring out who I really am? I really do love having kids and dogs though, I swear. They are the best excuses for being anti-social and if I can't drink I need SOMETHING in my pocket.

Do we wear different masks at different phases of our lives? Or are they more like costumes, helping me get into the character we want to become? Maybe it's neither and I'm just overthinking again. I'm torn (also, maybe this pregnancy is scrambling my brain).

I can't wait to see a therapist so I can say "my therapist says this is what a lot of people think/feel" but for now all I have is Dr.Google. Dr. Google says my feelings are borderline crazy or completely normal. Jury is still out.

One Reply to “Imposter”

  1. Girlfriend, u are not craze at all.
    We have to wear different masks because our life becomes different then it was or then we “expect” it or imagine it to be , & if ur crazy for thinking/feeling that way then i must be crazy too 🙃 We always have different masks it’s like different personalities for different events,different friends, different places & situations. We change kinda like the wind going this & that way not really knowing what direction we’re headed , sometimes we imagine what life or we as humans should be or should be like but deep down we really have no clue, there’s no rules to feelings, thoughts or how u deal with things, if there was there would be nothin but perfectness & happiness all over , but that’s not realistic, so basically we just float along just hoping/praying whatever is next is good & makes us happy & if it does great, if it doesn’t well then we go back to square one of thinking what’s wrong with ourself & how can we change it , instead of just riding the wave we try to make the wave.
    I feel like this all the time, I always feel under estimated, under appricated, under educated, under socialized & more but I really need to realize myself what it is that I do do great instead of my flaws & underneath-ness of what I don’t have or do.
    It’s amazing how as humans we do this all the time expecally when we become parents or just becoming a mother where we have to abide by a certain rule that says we should act/be one certain way, or when we make changes where u realize some friends weren’t really there for u , they were there for a good time or to have fun with u when ur drinking/drugs whatever it may be.
    Moral of the story U R NOT CRAZY & I FEEL UR CONFUSION OF MASKS 🎭 😘😘😘
    Love u
    Xoxo
    Jodi

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