Imposter

I've always felt like I barely just made the cut.  In all facets of my life, it feels like I don't quite belong and am just waiting to be found out. Discovered to be a fraud.

In friendships, I've always been doubtful that people actually want to be around me.  This has become especially difficult to manage since I've quit drinking because I can't dull the feelings. Oh, how I miss dulling my feelings with booze and drugs. Once my friends figure out that I'm not actually all that enjoyable to be around they'll drop me like a hot potato (mmm potatoes… I need a poutine), so I try to avoid any and all social situations. When I do go out, I obsess about the interactions that I had. It's exhausting.

Career-wise, while I've always felt I've done a pretty good job at most places I've worked (I think) I didn't feel like I ever really deserved these jobs. I haven't been fired (was laid off at my short-lived electrical stint, I choose to think that doesn't count. But it does. It does…), but I haven't found anything that can hold my interest for a long period of time. I recently applied to a local Digital Media and IT program and was accepted but waitlisted due to the program being full. I'm not sure if that was going to be the best fit for me but I'm open to trying something new. Part of my imposter status is to just keep masquerading at new locations.

I've wondered that I might just be filling up my time with children and dogs to avoid really dealing with myself, and what makes me happiest/makes me tick. Am I an imposter mother, wearing this mask, going on play dates, sharing mom memes with mom friends instead of figuring out who I really am? I really do love having kids and dogs though, I swear. They are the best excuses for being anti-social and if I can't drink I need SOMETHING in my pocket.

Do we wear different masks at different phases of our lives? Or are they more like costumes, helping me get into the character we want to become? Maybe it's neither and I'm just overthinking again. I'm torn (also, maybe this pregnancy is scrambling my brain).

I can't wait to see a therapist so I can say "my therapist says this is what a lot of people think/feel" but for now all I have is Dr.Google. Dr. Google says my feelings are borderline crazy or completely normal. Jury is still out.

Anxiously Waiting

 

I have been avoiding writing because I've been avoiding addressing my feelings. Healthy? No. But it's the truth and that's what I'm here for.

My anxiety returned full force at the beginning of my 3rd trimester.  It was overwhelming and intense, no matter how prepared I thought I was going to be for it.  There are a lot of issues I need to broach (with a licensed psychiatrist but a huge one is the upcoming birth of my newest baby and the decisions I need to make surrounding it.    

My birth experience with my son was not what I wanted and left me feeling scared of a similar outcome this go around. After speaking with my doctor, we decided the next best step for me is counseling to sort through my feelings.

A big part of my anxiety is my everyday struggle with expectations.  What are my expectations of myself and what do other people expect of me?  I worry more than I care to admit about what other people think of me and what they think I should be doing.

In the words of my partner "fuck them and what they think" but that's always easier said than done.

I'm trying to be more in tune to what I need and tune out more of the (perceived) buzz around me.  

I'm trying to be me.  Still not 100% sure who that is yet…